Because, I don't want to run a marathon.

I know I have said this before on this blog, but I will say it again, I don’t relate very well to the concept of “the strong, independent woman.” This is not to say that if you do you are wrong, I just have never felt like I have much in common with her. I think this has to do, in large part, with the fact that I greatly value vulnerability in people. I always find myself more drawn to, and more encouraged by, people who are willing to admit they have weakness in their life. It is my observation that I am not the only person who sees great strength in those who are willing to be transparent in their weakness. So, it shocks me how often the image of the “do-it-all, strong woman” is revered in popular culture.

Can I just go ahead and be honest? I can’t keep up with my life. I can’t do it all… hell, I can’t even do one-quarter of the things I should be doing. I am not, as they say, “killing it.” Up until last week, that fact was sucking my spirit dry. I have been driving myself crazy with all of the things I should be doing, and was too big of a mess to get them done. Then last week I had this moment of intense clarity, I asked myself a basic question: "Why do you consider yourself a mess whenever you simply can't get something accomplished?" From the time I began graduate school I have lived with the constant nagging sensation that I was not doing enough. To make my point super clear to you, I have lived the last ten years of my life feeling like I couldn’t take a day off, and on the rare occasion that I did, dealing with an immense feeling of guilt. I have believed for years now that checking my email on my day off was just what I was supposed to do. Then last week, something in me broke.  I realized that needing a day off didn't make me lazy, it made me human.

I can’t take it anymore, I really can’t. I don’t want to be one of those women who can’t find grace or peace for herself. I don’t want to be one those women who attaches her value to her To-Do List. I don’t want to be one of those women who can be all things to all people. I just want to be a woman who is happy. I want to be able to say, “No, I can’t do that, because it isn’t healthy for me to not have time for myself.” I will say it again; it is not healthy for me to not take time out of my day for myself. And let me be clear, time to myself (for me) doesn’t mean an hour at the gym…or a day to get my house in order and ahead of the laundry. Time for myself means doing something that replenishes my soul.

I fully realize that there are so many women who are capable of being a full-time professional, a full-time wife, a full-time mom, and a full-time ranch hand. But, can I just ask you, lady to lady, “How is life as the do-it-all woman going for you? Do you feel like it is all adding up?” For me, I feel used up most days. My house is often a mess, my checkbook is never balanced, and it is a good thing I don’t have kids…because I am pretty sure I would forget to pick them up from school. I just feel like I didn’t get the super woman gene, and the worst part of all of it is that I commonly feel like it isn’t OK to feel this way. Maybe I just want to be average, can that be OK? Maybe I don’t want to be constantly reaching for the next level, but would rather find peace in what I have already accomplished. Would it be OK to not be the woman that is so highly advertised, but instead just be the woman I am. Is it OK to just be me? Even if it means I am a size 10, have no desire to run half-marathons, can’t keep my house clean, am completely lost when it comes to dating, and don’t have the slightest clue when it’s most appropriate to use effect vs. affect in a sentence? Is that OK?

I don’t mean for this blog to be offensive to any woman who identifies with the smart, capable, beautiful woman that is so often depicted in our culture. I just feel like I don’t, and that perhaps there are some others out there. I am just looking for some reassurance that it is OK to be the weak, co-dependent woman. Because honestly, that is who I am. I have an absolute need for love and support in almost everything I do. I have a deep desire for a life that leaves me feeling filled up and not drained out, and I can’t achieve that on my own. It is in my weakness that I feel closest to the Lord and to those important to me. It is when I ask for help that I recognize how much I am loved and cared for. Most of all, it is when I acknowledge the woman inside of me who feels like she is not enough that I am able to be nurturing to my own soul.

So, ladies, if you are feeling like me, just know that you are not alone. This blog is meant to encourage you, because I do think it is OK to feel like you are not adding up...you just have to know that you are.  You are enough, no matter how many things you have on your calendars or how many emails you respond to. Perhaps it is time for all of us to put down the armor of capability and allow our strength to be our vulnerability.

“But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.” 1 Corinthians 1:27-29