Life is not a snapshot

 

Life.  It isn’t always easy.  Recently my life has been turned upside down.  I moved from a city to a small town.  I hung up my lab coat and left the lab; the place where I found solace and identity.  I left behind a church family who truly understands my heart and knows me for who I am.  To top it off, in Lubbock I was surrounded by a group of friends who were all walking in a similar season as myself.  In Manhattan I feel very alone.  Without fully realizing it, my heart has been taking a serious beating by life lately, and honestly…I was letting it.

I very recently got dumped.  Now, I’m not talking kind of dumped, I’m talking dumped…HARD.  I will take credit for not taking more intentional steps to protect my own heart, BUT, there is just something about being almost thirty and being dumped.  It leaves you feeling a little bit awkward, and a lot a bit rejected.  I chose to put it behind me as soon as possible and focus on the tasks ahead of me.  I boarded a plane to Cambodia mere days after my epic dumping.  I decided that this trip was going to shake my heartache loose and give me a refreshed perspective.  Man, was I so wrong.  So wrong!  My second night in Cambodia I received a further blow to my ego and found myself completely disconnected from my usual support system.  Feeling very vulnerable, I decided to just go to bed.  Sometime during the night I got up to use the bathroom.  Being in a new setting, in the dark I misjudged the position of the bathroom counter and slammed my face directly into it.  Yes, I literally punched myself in the face.  Directly in the face.  The rest of the trip the ache in my nose was a stark reminder of my recent insults/assaults, both emotional and physical.  Cambodia opened up a level of vulnerability that I have not felt in a very long time.  The night we flew into Manhattan, at the end of the trip, my heart took another blow.  Upon arrival my travel companions contacted those who were waiting for them to arrive.  I on the other hand, tried to fight off the loneliness, gathered up my things, and found my way home to my empty house.  I can’t express with words the level of emptiness that settled down on me in that moment.

A few short days after, I flew to Lubbock for one of my dearest friend’s wedding.  I was so excited to be in her wedding and to be back in Lubbock for a few days.  Her wedding was beautiful, she was beautiful, their relationship is beautiful, everything was beautiful.  However, even though my heart was filled with joy for her, I still felt so vulnerable and so heartbroken.  Not to mention the fact that my nose still hurt.  As the reception carried on I began to settle into my surroundings.  I was enjoying being surrounded by my church family once again, and was finally feeling a bit lighter.  Then, as it always does, “All the single ladies” came screeching through my ear drums.  “Oh, dear God, noooo…”  There becomes a point in a girl’s life when she no longer has the strength to endure another “single ladies” bouquet toss.  That point is right about at the 500th wedding she has attended and the age of thirty.

Sunday morning I woke up exhausted.  I was haggard.  I reluctantly drug myself to the bathroom, fixed my hair, put some makeup on, and I drug my tired, haggard self to church.  I walked into that church and God had rallied the troops, because the amount of love and encouragement that began to rain down on me was overwhelming.  I began to feel lighter once again.  Then one of my pastors, a man I have the ultimate respect for, delivered a message that was full of truth but wasn’t an easy one.  He boldly stood before us and said, “You cannot make peace with that which seeks to destroy you.  You will never find peace with insecurity, addiction, sin, etc.  You will either overcome it, or it will eventually overcome you.”  I felt shaken, insulted even.  I mean come on, didn’t he know how hard I have it?  I am single and almost thirty.  Forget war and starvation, I am experiencing real struggle here…I mean I punched myself in my own face!!  He went on to talk about the importance of finishing the race that has been set before us.  He spoke about how we are all called to follow Jesus in different ways, but that so many don’t finish the race and never fulfill their calling; they give up just short of the goal.  He reminded us that Jesus cautioned His disciples to weigh the costs of following Him: "It is going to cost you time, it is going to cost you money, it is going to cost you energy, and it is going to cost you relationships."  I was forced to search my heart on what it would cost me to follow my own calling.  “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower.  Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it?  For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish’”-Luke 14:28. 

 

For several years now I have worn my singleness like a cloak of shame.  I have allowed it to abuse my heart, to speak lies into my head, and to disrupt my peace and joy.  The real insult/assault that has occurred over the last few weeks has been my acceptance of these lies.  For years I have tried to make peace with this insecurity.  I have tried to mask it, I have tried to ignore it, and I have even tried to embrace it.  However, all this has done is bring destruction to my heart and soul, and left me feeling exhausted.

I don’t know what is in store for me.  I may never shake off singleness, it may very well be the direction my life will take.  What I can shake off is the insecurity that surrounds me due to my singleness.  I can choose to finish my race strong and full of joy.  I also don’t know why certain things happen in life, things that don’t make any sense.  What I do know is that we are all meant for victory.  Our lives were designed so that we will experience glory.  Further, we have been provided with the ultimate comforter through Jesus Christ.  So, there is always light, because we know that “God is the light, in him there is no darkness at all (1 John 1:5).”  I know that it was no coincidence that, upon walking into my church this morning, so many people showed me so much love.  Without me having to speak a word, that body of believers recognized the darkening of my spirit.  What is most touching was that each of them moved.  They identified my struggle—whether they were led by the spirit or just knew me well enough—and they surrounded me with the very embodiment of God: love.  This love was further amplified by other relationships I have.  Peppered throughout my weekend were little reminders of God's love: encouraging conversations over dinner and brunch, meeting a dear friend's baby boy for the first time, watching another friend step into her next chapter in life.

I don’t know what you’re going through, maybe you can’t even fully define it; all I know is that sometimes you just feel exhausted.  Sometimes you punch yourself in your own face, because you are fumbling around in the dark.  Don't forget to reach up and turn on the light.  Stay strong, fight the good fight, and finish the race, my friend.  Your life is not a snapshot, there is so much more to come.  Finally, always remember that you have the greatest of comforts available to you no matter where you are, no matter what you have done.  I am by no means completely healed, but at least I have been reminded that I am never alone. “The joy of the Lord is your strength” Nehemiah 8:10.